What’s a funny reply to say when someone hands you a baby to hold?
“No thanks, I’m a vegetarian!”
What’s that joke about a website’s terms & conditions?
Q: What is the biggest lie anyone can tell?
A: “I have read and agreed to all the terms and conditions.”
What’s that joke you can say to someone who is about to go golfing?
Be sure to pack an extra golf sock, in case you get a hole in one!
What’s that joke about a cold day in Washington, D.C.?
OR a conversation piece when someone brings up corrupt politicians?
You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day…
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Explanation: It’s often said that politicians always have their hands in “other people’s pockets,” since they’re trying to milk the taxpayers for all they’re worth.
What’s that joke about dating Google?
Is Google my [girlfriend]?
Because it won’t let me finish my sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
Explanation: Often when looking something up on Google, the search engine will automatically try to predict what you will type in next, and will pre-fill the search bar with a handful of suggestions.
Note: Feel free to substitute “girlfriend” for anything that might fit, such as “partner,” “boyfriend,” “parent,” etc.
What’s that joke about snoring loudly?
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Explanation: If I’m driving, I shouldn’t be sleeping (or snoring)!
What’s that joke about millenials and their attitudes?
I’m getting so sick of these millennials and their attitude.
Walking around like they rent the place.
Explanation: If someone behaves as if they “own the place,” they behave in an annoying way that shows they think they are very important.
Currently, it is often said that millenials tend to “rent” more than “own.”
What’s that joke about abandonment issues?
My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues…
Oh wait. She just texted me. She just went to get some milk.
Explanation: If I’d thought that my girlfriend had left me when she’d only just left for a few minutes, I must certainly have abandonment issues indeed!
What’s that joke about your boss?
OR that joke about thinking of someone as your friend?
I always tell my employees, don’t think of me as your boss.
Think of me as a friend who can fire you.
What’s that joke about multitasking?
I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
The joke humorously suggests expertise in multitasking by combining activities like wasting time, being unproductive, and procrastinating all at once.
What’s that pun about Microsoft Office?
You may think you’re good at PowerPoint …
But I Excel at it.
And if you think I’m just Accessing my best Microsoft Office puns …
[Nods.] Word.
What’s that joke about doing crunches?
I’ve been doing crunches twice a day now.
Captain in the morning. Nestle in the afternoon.
What’s that joke about seeing yourself doing something?
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
What’s that joke about taking a day off?
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
What’s that joke about being in the bathroom?
Q: You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but what are you while you’re in there?
A: European.
Tip: Be sure to emphasize the double meaning when pronouncing the word “European,” so that it sounds like “you’re peein’.”
What’s that joke about having a good day?
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
What’s that joke about having acne breakouts?
[when I’m frustrated about my acne]
I’d make a horrible prisoner.
I keep breaking out!
What’s that joke about carpeted steps?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
Explanation: This plays on the homophones “stair” and “stare.”
What’s that joke about falling on asphalt?
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall…
But it was his own dumb asphalt.
Tip: Articulate “dumb asphalt” in a way that sounds equally like “dumbass fault.”
What’s that joke paying bills?
I cut my phone bill in half!
It only took a moment and I wasn’t going to pay it anyway.
What’s that joke about Saturdays?
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two more days.
It will be a sadder day.
Tip: Be sure to take a pause when pronouncing the word “Saturday,” so that it sounds like “sadder day.”
What’s that joke about going to the dentist?
Q: What time did the man go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurt-y.
What’s that joke about billboards?
Q: What language does a billboard speak?
A: Sign language.
What’s that joke about a depressed dog?
What do you say to console a depressed dog?
Life is ruff.
Tip: Emphasize the word “ruff.”
What’s that joke about missing payments?
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
What’s that joke about reaching your dreams?
Keep the dream alive…
Hit the snooze button.
What’s that joke about clowns?
This morning some clown opened the door for me.
I thought to myself that’s a nice Jester.
Tip: Be sure to carefully pronounce the word jester so that it sounds a bit more like gesture.
What’s that joke about antelopes?
I went to the zoo and saw an antelope.
I had never seen an insect get married before.
Tip: Be sure to carefully pronounce the different parts of “antelope” so it sounds a bit more like ant elope.
“Elope” means to run away secretly in order to get married.
What’s that joke about ice cream sundaes?
Where do people learn to make ice cream?
In sundae school.
What’s that joke about something “going over your head”?
Wanna hear an airplane joke?
Never mind, it’d go right over your head.
